The Five Different Dickheads you see at Melbourne Cup…

The Drunk Mum

All the mums let loose today after months of lockdown and homeschooling, it was finally time for them to get away from their shitty husbands and annoying kids. And by let loose, I mean getting themselves into a right fucking mess. Yes, the half a bottle of wine with dinner a night should’ve got them in good stead, but nothing compares to the cheap bubbles of Prosecco that go straight to the temples. Grab anything you can find as a sick bucket, hair tie at the ready and know where the closest toilets are at all times. Don’t worry Darl we’ve all been there, but as my mum always says “You should know better by now”.

The Punter

He’s been saving up for this moment… literally. “Today’s the day I’m gonna win big,” he tells himself whilst putting on an $80 suit from Tarocash. Making sure he stops on his way to an ATM before Pres at the boys pad, he folds the wad of cash into his wallet and grabs a newspaper pretending to figure out his best odds. Instead of hitching he bets wisely, he puts it all on one horse. Everyone around him is red with embarrassment when he starts screaming at a TV screen whilst the race enfolds. He loses it all and his mates take the piss whilst triple parking him with 3 beers before the drinks package ends.

The Fashionista

These chicks have got money to burn people! Can you believe that women spend hundreds, thousands even, just to look like absolute twats for one day? Now don’t get me wrong, I love people who make the effort… but jeez get a grip ladies. All the bitchiness backstage, just to be voted the day’s best flying saucer head.

The Gloater

We all know one. The person that never puts on a bet, but today puts a measly $30 down on a wild card and wins 700 bucks like it was ‘real easy’ or an ‘educated guess’. They’re probably the people that steal all the money out the pokies, cause i’ve put thousands into those bastards and never got more than 100 dollars back. We have to listen to them for the rest of the day saying, “I should’ve gotten that round with all my winnings *chuckling*…”

YES DAVE! You should have, because you just won heaps of fucking money you CHEAPSKATE.

The Nups to the Cups

The most honourable people on Melbourne cup day, are those vigorously fighting against animal cruelty one instagram post at a time. Keep up the peaceful protesting whilst the Melbourne Cup organisers ignorantly pretend there’s absolutely nothing wrong. We commend you!

Stay classy Gold Coast ✨💞